Getting Along During the Holidays
The holidays are just around the corner and many families are planning their yearly gatherings. It’s supposed to be a time of cheer and coming together. But as many know, this may come with a heaping side stress, contention, and family drama. This can be especially bad at a time of year when mental health sufferers experience a worsening of symptoms.
If this is a time of love and gratitude, why do family gatherings tend to sometimes go awry during the holidays?
Families and groups of close friends share a long history, and while they may love one another there can still be old wounds or points of disagreement that are long-standing and unresolved. Then the same people still exhibit similar patterns and behaviors from their dynamic before.
The holidays are a highly emotional time. People think about past experiences, past holiday gatherings, and they get to see how things are yearly changing all around them. Plus everyone has their own personality and sometimes they don’t go together as well as we’d like.
We’ve all heard a version of the advice, “Don’t discuss sex, religion, or politics at the dinner table.” It’s a good starting point for keeping things peaceful during a holiday gathering. But it only works for the person deciding to proactively abide by it. Therefore it’s important to take self guided action - realize you have power. Make the decision to hold your tongue and let certain topics or triggers lay untouched.
If simply trying to avoid certain topics or remarks is not enough, here is some advice to take into consideration for the upcoming holidays:
It’s useful to break down a “no-fighting holiday plan” into three parts. The “pre-emptive” idea, the “host” idea, and the “during” idea.
First, let’s get pre-emptive. Make the conscious decision not to take the bait if you hear something making you heated. Knowing what feelings to expect can help when and if they finally tempt you to say something in response.
If there’s someone who often causes problems, maybe a call beforehand to discuss would be tactful - but this all depends on the individual. Or talk to others before and let them know about potential bad topics, and ask them reasonably to not respond to provocation.
Other forms of pre-emptive planning are practical like stocking less alcohol or ending the party early before personalities have a chance to clash. Also, seating placement may come into consideration. Sitting two hostile parties close poses a potential for volatility.
Next, there’s the “Host” or group leader idea. It’s socially helpful to have a figure at the gathering who’s in a party leader role. This may be a respected authority figure in families - someone who can play host and rule setter, and who can steer the conversation keeping it fun and civil. The best person for the job can set the tone with kindness.
Now the time has come, and dinner is underway. This would be the “during idea.” It all comes down to the interactions. First, we can express love and kindness. Distract, ask about their lives and try to make it a caring productive conversation. Remind them with your actions and comments that this is a time of gratitude.
Try to understand where the other person is coming from with their point of view. Don’t say things “against” them, instead say things to show them you care regardless of different opinions. Using humor can also often defuse tension. If you can make someone laugh, already the mood is lifted.
To hear an in depth conversation on this topic with Dr. Chuck Dickson please check out our latest podcast “The Breakdown with Dr. B,” available at Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and our own website www.bregmanmd.com !
Bregman Medical Group has been around for decades helping families through hardship and mental health conditions. Our experienced doctors and counselors provide online psychiatry and therapy right to your device! Simply schedule an appointment at www.bregmanmd.com or call 305-740-3340.
References:
https://medium.com/practical-growth/reduce-family-fighting-over-holidays-3fd4ae0b4f59